Eclectic Equations: The Fight - Why I Relay at the Fantasy Faire 2024

Thursday, May 2, 2024

The Fight - Why I Relay at the Fantasy Faire 2024

The fight.

It came out of the darkness, out of the blue. It came in whispers, in moments of sensation only slightly out of the ordinary. It came in the hesitation, the unexpectedly repeated review, the 'let me just run this past...' on an otherwise idyllic hot summer morning.

The fight built from there. From the words. Words known, and heard for others. Cursed and kept at a distance for the irrational fear of contamination. Words now so, so close. Now spoken to you. The fight may have begun from the worry. A preparation, a defence from the depths of soul and spirit, while the conscious mind danced in a syncopated frenzy of distraction, keeping to the rhythm, a beat of desperate hope, 'it might not be... it might not be...' The hope so often severed by the blade of confirmation. Of fear realised.

Other blades follow. The dull and bruising edge of doubt, of remorse for imaginary opportunities missed - for things which could have been done differently. Of course things could always have been done differently, while they also couldn't have been any other way at all. Terror's sharp stabs, slicing to the bone, to the heart, burying the marrow in an avalanche of fear. The rough serration of anxiety, catching and pulling, tearing mind and body from any focus but this one. "What will happen now?"

The fight becomes a living thing. With a temperature and temperament all it's own, waxing and waning with every encounter, it falters and fails, regroups and rises. It gathers strength when weak, gives strength when even the idea of it feels impossible. It stands alone with you in your isolation, the solitary confinement of the early hours, in the thrum of the crowd at work, in the arms of your loved ones at home. The fight is for you, and in you. Your fight is the fight of all those who came before, of everything learned which has brought you to this point. When you feel you cannot go further, it is the fight that will carry you on, because you do not fight alone. Your fight is with you, and it has teeth.

The blogger challenge of all blogger challenges. Why I Relay. The most personal, the most difficult for bloggers like me. Those of us who you may get to know by reading our stories, the themes and references we draw on, but nothing clear, nothing obviously us. I'm generally happiest to hide behind my characters - all aspects of me, while keeping who I am, what I think and feel hidden in their shadows. This is the yearly challenge to shine a light on all of that, and it is not a comfortable sensation! In the past I've spoken of those I've loved and lost to cancer. They remain at the heart of why I Relay. In trying not to look at my own past, I can't even be sure if I've shared my own fears, my own experience, my own time hearing that pause, that unexpected extension of an examination, that "let me just run this past..." The terror, the doubt, the anxiety. The appointments, the waiting, the planning for the what ifs for me and those who mattered the most. Life is far from what I expected, from what was promised. The appointments I'd attended, my hand and heart held safe, to having to find the strength to attend these on my own. My plans and the promises made daily to me in tatters, shredded and bloodied, and yet I remain. The fight continued whether I wanted it or not. When I didn't, when I don't, others carried and carry me forward, believing as I did not, that some day it would matter again. I hope to hope they are right. This fight continues, for them, for me. I hope it continues for you. And THAT my loves, is why I Relay.

Vyl

xxx

RFL Items are 100% Donation to Relay for Life

Halo : :[P]:- Arien Gemhalo RFL Purple

Samsara

Horns : :[P]:- Arien Horns [Swirl-Stars] RFL Purple

Samsara

Hair : Raven Bell - Magnolia Hair F ~Shimmer~

Thunnus Bay

Earrings : :[P]:- Lunin Earring

Samsara

Eyes : CHIMAERA - 'Lilith' Eyes in Purple